a past thought.....

I wrote a profound thought over a year ago...I thought I should share it.

August 16, 2010

I have found that the more that I try not to be the norm the more the norm seems to find me. I am forced to believe that I am normal. A cookie cutter person that fits into the box that has been assigned to her. I am the mother who has raised kids and has survived to tell the tale. I am the wife that was used and abused and thrown to the curb. I react like every other normal female placed in this situation. I have cried and lashed out. I have forgiven and not forgiven. I want to protect my children from what they don't know and fix the pain that the truth has caused, I don't care that they are adults, that protective instinct never goes away. I want to reconcile with the man that doesn't see me as worth it and yet bury him so far into the past that he could never dig out into my future. I need to prove to myself that I am desirable and prove to the world around that I hasn't destroyed me by destroying my dreams and beliefs in happily-ever-after. I wanted the fairy tale. I wanted to be the one that could answer the question; "how did you do it?" I wanted to hold my head high and be the woman that could have a good man, children that I adored and adored me and still have the career that haunts my dreams. I wanted it all - and for a while I had it, but did I really?
So what do I have now?  I have children that adore me. I have friends that see me as weak but strong. I hope that I am brave and honorable. I still believe in forever and that Prince Charming is real...just older and wiser with a few wrinkles and tends to snore. I have decided that I don't want to be needed but wanted. But most of all I am free.
I am free of wondering why I am not worth it. I am free of feeling rejected and alone. I am free to meet myself and actually sit down and learn to love myself. I am free of the hang ups and let downs. I am free of physical abuse that I have to hide from my closest of friends and family. I am free to take risks. To speak up and not let anyone put me down because I did.
Freedom is never free. It always cost you something. In my case it cost me my belief in happily-ever-after. It made me lay down my desire not to fail so that I could fail and learn that failing isn't all that bad.
It cost me a moment of dignity and a second of pain so I could have a life of happiness.

Amen!