Fill a clear glass with water. That water is clear. It is pure and free of anything. It has no color, it is not tainted with anything. It is clean of all impurities. Now take a dropper of red food dye. You drop it into the water and it disperses through out the glass. At first you see it as it streaks through the water. But then it becomes almost invisible. The only thing you notice is a slight tint to the water. You can never take the color out of the water. Once the water is tainted its always going to be tainted. The only thing you can do is add more, or pour out the water.
That is how I feel about my life. I left a violent relationship and took only what I absolutely needed. I worked really hard to create a new life. But like that glass of water it has been tainted by a drop of red dye. My past keeps dropping little drops of red dye into my pure clean new life. I feel like no matter what I do I can't stop my new life from being tainted.
So what to do. I will not accept my old life ever again. I will never be the meek little girl that allowed herself to be treated like a slave. I will not allow my dreams to be stomped on and stopped. I am a different person then who I was back then. I survived that life. I will not be a victim ever again.
So what to do with the tainted water? What do I do when the old life haunts the new life? I do not know. I really wish I could answer that question. I really want to know what to do with the tainted water...because dumping it out and starting over is not an option. What I have is good. What I have is what I need. I just don't need the past to interfer.
So far I haven't figure it out....but I will let you know when I do.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Hopes and Fears
I have a friend in California that read me this awesome qoute. "We need to make our plans around our hopes, not our fears."
When I heard this I wrote it down and than just stared at the words. Hopes, Fears, Wants, Desires, Needs, Loss there is so many words that ran through my brain like a herd of antelope.
Finally my mind settled on what was really bothering me. Were my plans based off of hopes or fears?
Do I plan my day around the possiblility that I will run into people that scare me? Do I hope that I will become a doctor and then plan around the fear that I will never make the cut? Where is my head?
I had a EMT teacher that once told me - "We plan for the worst and we hope for the best, but hope was not a plan." Meaning, plan for every precaution don't just let the hope that nothing will go wrong be your plan.
My hope and dreams are just hopes and dreams without some kind of plan to get there.
Saying, I want to be a doctor, is a hope. But setting the stage for you to go to school and study medicine - earning money to put yourself through school or applying for scholarships puts your dream in motion. It makes your hopes and dreams a reality.
Uh Oh Reality! Yep! Back to one persons fantasy and another persons reality. The real difference between hopes and fears. Plans made in fear never come out exactly as one plans. Plans made in Hope keep us focused.
Don't let fear rule you.
Be brave. Let your fantasy become hope and your hope help with your plans.
When I heard this I wrote it down and than just stared at the words. Hopes, Fears, Wants, Desires, Needs, Loss there is so many words that ran through my brain like a herd of antelope.
Finally my mind settled on what was really bothering me. Were my plans based off of hopes or fears?
Do I plan my day around the possiblility that I will run into people that scare me? Do I hope that I will become a doctor and then plan around the fear that I will never make the cut? Where is my head?
I had a EMT teacher that once told me - "We plan for the worst and we hope for the best, but hope was not a plan." Meaning, plan for every precaution don't just let the hope that nothing will go wrong be your plan.
My hope and dreams are just hopes and dreams without some kind of plan to get there.
Saying, I want to be a doctor, is a hope. But setting the stage for you to go to school and study medicine - earning money to put yourself through school or applying for scholarships puts your dream in motion. It makes your hopes and dreams a reality.
Uh Oh Reality! Yep! Back to one persons fantasy and another persons reality. The real difference between hopes and fears. Plans made in fear never come out exactly as one plans. Plans made in Hope keep us focused.
Don't let fear rule you.
Be brave. Let your fantasy become hope and your hope help with your plans.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
When reality means death
Its early in the morning and its hard to sleep. The last week as been a bit of a nightmare. Burying your husband is not easy, but burrying the father of your 3 month old child is even harder. No more family to give you hugs, no one to hand you a tissue to wipe your tears when they won't stop flowing. Just you and your son and the endless night. A noise not far from your house can be heard, but you have neighbors and they could be out, or maybe its that stray dog that comes looking for food in the
garbage cans. You go back to watching your tiny infant sleep. He looks like his dad you think..
Again a sound comes to your ears. But this time you sit straight up in bed and tune your ears to the night sounds. Its the back door. Someone rattled the back door. You are still as the intruder tries each window. Looking down at the tiny body that is just now stirring you rush into action. The shot gun is in the closet, the pistol in the dresser drawer. You grab both and rush into the living room. From somewhere you have the forethought to push the couch in front of the door. The baby starts to wimper and you grab the bottle sitting next to him and carefully put it into his mouth, propping it up so that it won't slip out.
Next you grab the phone and dial the familiar numbers that are pounded into your head from the time you can walk, 911. The roar in your ears makes it hard to hear the operator when she answers.
Your explaination and plea come out rather calm even to your own ears. The operator dispatches a police unit and tells you to hide somewhere safe. I have a pistol and a shot gun, and ask without much thought if I can shoot him if he comes through my door. Her words tell me I can. But a tiny voice in my head asks can you if they do? The operators next words give me the courage that I need.
"You do what you need to do to protect your baby."
The door breaks open and the intruder shoves the couch I have used to barricade the door. I point the shotgun at the intruder. Something flashes in his hand..he has a gun. I don't remember the trigger under my finger only that I pulled back on the curved metal. The gun fires loud...making my ears ring. I don't feel the kick until much later when I discover a sore spot on my body. The man lays mostly in the house the door held open with only his foot. He isnt moving. He's bleeding, but isn't moving. A knife is still clutched in his hand. Is he dead? Did I just kill a person in my home?
You would think this was an opening scene in a movie, or a book by David Patterson. But it happened and it happened to a young 18 year-old mother. When I read this story my heart hurt for this young woman. What in the name of all that is holy could possess a human being to break into a persons house with the intent to steal after this long illness and death of her husband. Good grief. The answer was drug. That altered reality that has been a huge part of abuse, (all all kinds), theft, and death (in all forms) But what was his thoughts, why, when, where all of these answers died with him when a well armed citizen, young and scared, doing what comes naturally to her when her young are threatened, killed him.
My second thought was oh crap. They are going to charge her with murder. She is going to go to jail for homicide or at the very least man-slaughter. That is what our justice system has come down too. But to my surprise they didn't do anything to her. Instead they charged the man that was with him with murder.
So what would you do? If you were in her position would you be the person hiding in a closet hoping that they don't find you and your tiny son? Or, are you the person who pulls out the shotgun and is prepared to kill the person kicking in your door. We do not know the intention of the intruder, but he had a 12 inch hunting knife in his hand when he died. The only thing that man was hunting for was drugs and you don't need a knife to kick in a door. I would be safe to say that the man was going to use that knife to threaten, hurt, or kill that young mother and her baby.
How different this story could have been if she had not had the courage to protect herself and child. The headlines would have read mother and son found stabbed to death in their home. No suspects at this time. The story would have gone on to tell about the young husband who had died of lung cancer and of the young mother who took care of him and her infant son. Their financial struggles and might even end with the time and date of their memorial service. Just another statistic. We would shake our heads and turn to the sports page.
Instead we get to cheer. Instead the reality of this world is that she saved herself and her baby and one bad guy is in jail and the other is dead. We cheer. We say justified.
Now the consequences. The nightmares of that night will live with her forever. No matter how many time she will be told that she is justified, the taking of another life is hard to live with. Ask any soldier who has seen war will tell you that. The fear of every noise outside of her house will have her jumping at her own shadow. Letting her baby outside of her sight will cause anxiety. In the end she will probably suffer with Post Tramatic Stree Disorder. She will need to get help and that won't be cheap.
What do you say? How does anyone justify the ripple effect of this kind of harm. All because one persons reality clashed with someone elses reality.
Justified? Yes. Fair? No.
garbage cans. You go back to watching your tiny infant sleep. He looks like his dad you think..
Again a sound comes to your ears. But this time you sit straight up in bed and tune your ears to the night sounds. Its the back door. Someone rattled the back door. You are still as the intruder tries each window. Looking down at the tiny body that is just now stirring you rush into action. The shot gun is in the closet, the pistol in the dresser drawer. You grab both and rush into the living room. From somewhere you have the forethought to push the couch in front of the door. The baby starts to wimper and you grab the bottle sitting next to him and carefully put it into his mouth, propping it up so that it won't slip out.
Next you grab the phone and dial the familiar numbers that are pounded into your head from the time you can walk, 911. The roar in your ears makes it hard to hear the operator when she answers.
Your explaination and plea come out rather calm even to your own ears. The operator dispatches a police unit and tells you to hide somewhere safe. I have a pistol and a shot gun, and ask without much thought if I can shoot him if he comes through my door. Her words tell me I can. But a tiny voice in my head asks can you if they do? The operators next words give me the courage that I need.
"You do what you need to do to protect your baby."
The door breaks open and the intruder shoves the couch I have used to barricade the door. I point the shotgun at the intruder. Something flashes in his hand..he has a gun. I don't remember the trigger under my finger only that I pulled back on the curved metal. The gun fires loud...making my ears ring. I don't feel the kick until much later when I discover a sore spot on my body. The man lays mostly in the house the door held open with only his foot. He isnt moving. He's bleeding, but isn't moving. A knife is still clutched in his hand. Is he dead? Did I just kill a person in my home?
You would think this was an opening scene in a movie, or a book by David Patterson. But it happened and it happened to a young 18 year-old mother. When I read this story my heart hurt for this young woman. What in the name of all that is holy could possess a human being to break into a persons house with the intent to steal after this long illness and death of her husband. Good grief. The answer was drug. That altered reality that has been a huge part of abuse, (all all kinds), theft, and death (in all forms) But what was his thoughts, why, when, where all of these answers died with him when a well armed citizen, young and scared, doing what comes naturally to her when her young are threatened, killed him.
My second thought was oh crap. They are going to charge her with murder. She is going to go to jail for homicide or at the very least man-slaughter. That is what our justice system has come down too. But to my surprise they didn't do anything to her. Instead they charged the man that was with him with murder.
So what would you do? If you were in her position would you be the person hiding in a closet hoping that they don't find you and your tiny son? Or, are you the person who pulls out the shotgun and is prepared to kill the person kicking in your door. We do not know the intention of the intruder, but he had a 12 inch hunting knife in his hand when he died. The only thing that man was hunting for was drugs and you don't need a knife to kick in a door. I would be safe to say that the man was going to use that knife to threaten, hurt, or kill that young mother and her baby.
How different this story could have been if she had not had the courage to protect herself and child. The headlines would have read mother and son found stabbed to death in their home. No suspects at this time. The story would have gone on to tell about the young husband who had died of lung cancer and of the young mother who took care of him and her infant son. Their financial struggles and might even end with the time and date of their memorial service. Just another statistic. We would shake our heads and turn to the sports page.
Instead we get to cheer. Instead the reality of this world is that she saved herself and her baby and one bad guy is in jail and the other is dead. We cheer. We say justified.
Now the consequences. The nightmares of that night will live with her forever. No matter how many time she will be told that she is justified, the taking of another life is hard to live with. Ask any soldier who has seen war will tell you that. The fear of every noise outside of her house will have her jumping at her own shadow. Letting her baby outside of her sight will cause anxiety. In the end she will probably suffer with Post Tramatic Stree Disorder. She will need to get help and that won't be cheap.
What do you say? How does anyone justify the ripple effect of this kind of harm. All because one persons reality clashed with someone elses reality.
Justified? Yes. Fair? No.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Camo and Yoga Pants
My very beautiful daughter recently got into a very interesting discussion on Facebook that involved the way people dress. Now us normal people, normal being a realitive term, would think that there are normal and acceptable ways to dress. Camo jacket with tight yoga pants and combat boots might not be acceptable in most area of society but is very popular in such places as....well West Virginia. Now I have nothing against West Virginia. This state is beautiful and has some of the most wonderful people. But you have to admit that you have been at the grocery and seen someone come in wearing something that you wouldnt be caught dead in. Well this would be one of those days for my daughter.
Now we all have to admit we have all gone into Walmart and seen pictures like this:
We all have had the urge to say..."lady! What the he**. I have children in this store." But we just turn and go down a different row and tell our children not to stare. You might even have the sense to use this as a teachable moment for your children. They don't have enough money to buy clothes that fit or this is not a good place to wear your bathing suit. But either way you yourself go feeling scared and maybe even violated.
We all have our stories or even the event when we ourselves have passed a mirror and thought; "oh my gosh! Who dressed me this morning?" But what makes us as a human race say..."no, stop the freak show!" Whose reality are we suppose to be living in? Who tells us that two inches of make-up is wrong or that hats are no long "in style". Why is that person in that picture so wrong?
Now the reason my daughter got into the heated discussion was just for that same question. Why is Camo, yoga pants and combat boots so bad? Obviously it wasn't wrong for them to wear it, why is it so bad for us to see it? One persons vogue is someone elses nonsense. Some persons reality is another person's fantasy.
This reverts back to the parent that screams: YOU are not going out in that!
And you wanted to look like this?
Takes on a whole new meaning when all you want to be is what the world thinks is normal and your parents idea of normal.
We as a people look at the world through what we see as normal or what we think of as reality.
My reality is jeans and a t-shirt. My neighbor's reality is a jean skirt and t-shirt. The lady at the grocery store thinks that putting a cap on her head (called a headcovering) is her reality but other woman in the same town consider that oppressive. Women that cover themselves from head to foot are wrong because we don't understand their religion, but a woman that roller skates in a bikini is considered offensive. Each woman listed above has their own reality. Each person looking at them only see's a fantasy because they can't see past their own reality. Who calls out reality and who calls out fantasy. That couple in the goth picture see their daughter conforming to someone elses reality when they themselves have conformed to someone else's reality. In the end we are all conforming to someone else's reality.
So you ask...what if I just want to be normal....blend in...not be seen. Well I say to that...impossible.
We are never invisible. We will always stick out somewhere. The country girl doesn't do well in a night-club, but you couldn't put the city girl in a barn and expect her to know how to clean out the horses stall. One girls "comfortable" is another girls "I don't think so!"
So what do you do? Well I say... Just be you! If you want to wear Camo jackets and yoga pants with combat boots, don't let anyone stop you. If you want to go to Walmart in short shorts with your cheekies hanging out....well I won't be stopping you...but don't be surprised if you don't see a picture of yourself on the internet. Where your ten-gallon hat with pride. Put that eyeliner on as heavy as you can and step into your reality. Its all in how you see it.
Now we all have to admit we have all gone into Walmart and seen pictures like this:
We all have our stories or even the event when we ourselves have passed a mirror and thought; "oh my gosh! Who dressed me this morning?" But what makes us as a human race say..."no, stop the freak show!" Whose reality are we suppose to be living in? Who tells us that two inches of make-up is wrong or that hats are no long "in style". Why is that person in that picture so wrong?
Now the reason my daughter got into the heated discussion was just for that same question. Why is Camo, yoga pants and combat boots so bad? Obviously it wasn't wrong for them to wear it, why is it so bad for us to see it? One persons vogue is someone elses nonsense. Some persons reality is another person's fantasy.
This reverts back to the parent that screams: YOU are not going out in that!
But what if your parents looked like this:
And you wanted to look like this?
Takes on a whole new meaning when all you want to be is what the world thinks is normal and your parents idea of normal.
We as a people look at the world through what we see as normal or what we think of as reality.
My reality is jeans and a t-shirt. My neighbor's reality is a jean skirt and t-shirt. The lady at the grocery store thinks that putting a cap on her head (called a headcovering) is her reality but other woman in the same town consider that oppressive. Women that cover themselves from head to foot are wrong because we don't understand their religion, but a woman that roller skates in a bikini is considered offensive. Each woman listed above has their own reality. Each person looking at them only see's a fantasy because they can't see past their own reality. Who calls out reality and who calls out fantasy. That couple in the goth picture see their daughter conforming to someone elses reality when they themselves have conformed to someone else's reality. In the end we are all conforming to someone else's reality.
So you ask...what if I just want to be normal....blend in...not be seen. Well I say to that...impossible.
We are never invisible. We will always stick out somewhere. The country girl doesn't do well in a night-club, but you couldn't put the city girl in a barn and expect her to know how to clean out the horses stall. One girls "comfortable" is another girls "I don't think so!"
So what do you do? Well I say... Just be you! If you want to wear Camo jackets and yoga pants with combat boots, don't let anyone stop you. If you want to go to Walmart in short shorts with your cheekies hanging out....well I won't be stopping you...but don't be surprised if you don't see a picture of yourself on the internet. Where your ten-gallon hat with pride. Put that eyeliner on as heavy as you can and step into your reality. Its all in how you see it.
The difference between Reality and Fantasy
What is reality? What is fantasy? And who tells us which is which. We all want to believe that we live in the here and now. That we are grounded in the right beliefs. But who says what is right and what is wrong. Who says what is reality and what is fantasy. And why do we have to believe these people? Who are they to dictate to me what reality is.
I looked at the definitions of reality and fantasy:
The definition of Reality:
So what is this blog about. I hope nothing that serious. I look around at people, humans and wonder; what the hell? Where is your head? Where is their reality. I want to see both sides of the coin...well sometimes.
I looked at the definitions of reality and fantasy:
The definition of Reality:
- all that exists or happens: everything that actually does or could exist or happen in real life
- imaginative power: the creative power of the imagination
So what is this blog about. I hope nothing that serious. I look around at people, humans and wonder; what the hell? Where is your head? Where is their reality. I want to see both sides of the coin...well sometimes.
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